Apply The Rules From Zombieland

Violent crime has been spiking across the country for the past couple of years. Last night I watched a rerun of the  movie "Zombieland" and was reminded of the rules to survive a zombie apocalypse put forth by the characters "Tallahassee" (Woody Harrelson) and "Columbus" (Jesse Eisenberg). In an era of coddling criminals, BLM bullshit, de-funding the cops, rampant mental illness and drug use; there's no reason to not apply these rules to the violent sub-human criminal element.

The original rules from the first movie:

 

Rule #1: Cardio

"When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties."

Rule #2: Double Tap

"You had to get a gun and learn how to use it, which leads me to my second rule: the double tap. In those moments when you're not sure the undead are really dead-dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head."

Rule #2: (Deleted Scene): Ziploc Bags

"You got enough problems, moisture shouldn't be one of them."

Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms

"Don't let them catch you with your pants down."

Rule #4: Seatbelts

"Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride."

Rule #6 (Promotional Video): Cast Iron Skillet

"Big. Cast iron. Contrary to what you've seen, it won't flatten a face, but the feel of it when you hit something, chills. Your whole arm vibrates."

Rule #7: Travel Light

"And I don't mean just luggage."

Rule #12 (Promotional Video): Bounty Paper Towels

"If there is one way to describe Zombieland, it is 'moist.'"

Rule #15 (Promotional Video): Bowling Ball

"Nothing says massive head trauma like a bowling ball -- preferably 16 pounds. Don't use a little pink one."

Rule #17: Don't be a Hero

As Columbus says, "Some rules are made to be broken."

Rule #18: Limber Up

"Going down that hill, it is very important."

Rule #29 (Promotional Video): The Buddy System

"We have each other's backs."

Rule #31: Check the Back Seat

"No one back there but my duffel bag."

Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things

"I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosemite Sam, but I'm writing it down." Thanks for this one, Tallahassee!

Rule #33 (Promotional Video): Swiss Army Knife

"The Swiss army used that knife for a reason."

 

I'm good with these for a start. Stealing catalytic converters in the dark of night is a big thing in Kommiecticut right now, mostly in large parking lots like apartment complexes or shopping centers. Come out my way to the rural hinterlands and you may find my pickup truck with the electrified exhaust system. The cause of death of the potential thief will simply be listed as cardiac arrest.