Don't Do It, Please! Get Help

I deal with EMS suicidal psych eval calls quite a bit, and until recently, those were the only people that ever heard my story. I use it as a mechanism to get them to trust that I truly understand where they are coming from. I finally told my story to a trusted co-worker the other day after yet another suicidal individual went in the ambulance, and decided since my true identity isn't known to post it here. Maybe it could help someone. I have never told my wife or anyone else close to me. It's just embarrassing.

Forty years ago, I attempted to throw away God's Greatest Gift for being in a situation that I thought there was no way out of. Lucky for me, I was not successful. Hell, I was not even injured, and it was the circumstances of that attempt that made me never contemplate such a foolish and selfish thing again. Funny thing was, I had been a gun owner for years and that method never crossed my mind prior to how it really happened.

Without the details, I thought it was a real bad situation with no good way out of. I was still in the Army Reserves, had a good paying civilian job, and my wife was six months pregnant. This day was a few weeks after the "situation" and I was in a deep depression over it. I was working for Northern Telecom normally assigned to CT Bank & Trust, but there was a large project going on at Aetna so they were pulling guys in off other sites for a two week stint to help out. They were renovating the upper floors of City Place in Hartford for new offices. I was was putting new phone jacks on cables that were being re-used and was working all alone on the 34th floor. I did not have a radio to listen to so I was alone on this large quiet office floor with my thoughts. I started thinking about where I was, and wondered what if I were to take the one-way high speed trip to the sidewalk? I kept thinking about it, then dwelling on it, and all the time not thinking about my pregnant wife or other blessings. Just trying to make the depression and thoughts of the situation go away permanently. ENOUGH! I'm gonna do it.... RIGHT NOW!

I looked out the windows to see which side of the building was best. I did not want to land on the roof of an adjacent building so I chose the Haynes Street side of the building which would give me a clear shot 34 floors down to the sudden stop on pavement. The plan was to take out the window with a heavy object and follow it out. I grabbed a large office chair on wheels and heaved it at the window.

It turns out, high-rise office windows are tempered glass, not plate glass. Tempered glass doesn't break with large blunt force unless it is truly overwhelming, it needs concentrated force like a spring punch or a bullet to craze it into little squares like a car window. The chair simply bounced off the window, landed on its wheels, and spun around a few times. It was like it was laughing at me for being so stupid. I sat down on the floor, alternately laughing and crying for the next hour and took it as a sign from God Himself to never do such a foolish thing again.

I was still depressed but no longer suicidal. I decided to tough it out and take it like a man. I wanted to meet my new daughter, be with my wife, and continue to live.

Well, it turned out to be a big nothing burger after all that was resolved without much fuss. I have since been in a couple of similarly bad situations, but taking the permanent solution NEVER entered into the equation. But prayer did and based on these situations, the only reason they eventually worked out or became nothing I can only attribute to God hearing and answering my prayers. Chose to believe or not, but I do.