I deal with EMS suicidal psych eval calls quite a bit, and until recently, those were the only people that ever heard my story. I use it as a mechanism to get them to trust that I truly understand where they are coming from. I finally told my story to a trusted co-worker the other day after yet another suicidal individual went in the ambulance, and decided since my true identity isn't known to post it here. Maybe it could help someone. I have never told my wife or anyone else close to me. It's just embarrassing.
Forty years ago, I attempted to throw away God's Greatest Gift for being in a situation that I thought there was no way out of. Lucky for me, I was not successful. Hell, I was not even injured, and it was the circumstances of that attempt that made me never contemplate such a foolish and selfish thing again. Funny thing was, I had been a gun owner for years and that method never crossed my mind prior to how it really happened.
Without the details, I thought it was a real bad situation with no good way out of. I was still in the Army Reserves, had a good paying civilian job, and my wife was six months pregnant. This day was a few weeks after the "situation" and I was in a deep depression over it. I was working for Northern Telecom normally assigned to CT Bank & Trust, but there was a large project going on at Aetna so they were pulling guys in off other sites for a two week stint to help out. They were renovating the upper floors of City Place in Hartford for new offices. I was was putting new phone jacks on cables that were being re-used and was working all alone on the 34th floor. I did not have a radio to listen to so I was alone on this large quiet office floor with my thoughts. I started thinking about where I was, and wondered what if I were to take the one-way high speed trip to the sidewalk? I kept thinking about it, then dwelling on it, and all the time not thinking about my pregnant wife or other blessings. Just trying to make the depression and thoughts of the situation go away permanently. ENOUGH! I'm gonna do it.... RIGHT NOW!
I looked out the windows to see which side of the building was best. I did not want to land on the roof of an adjacent building so I chose the Haynes Street side of the building which would give me a clear shot 34 floors down to the sudden stop on pavement. The plan was to take out the window with a heavy object and follow it out. I grabbed a large office chair on wheels and heaved it at the window.
It turns out, high-rise office windows are tempered glass, not plate glass. Tempered glass doesn't break with large blunt force unless it is truly overwhelming, it needs concentrated force like a spring punch or a bullet to craze it into little squares like a car window. The chair simply bounced off the window, landed on its wheels, and spun around a few times. It was like it was laughing at me for being so stupid. I sat down on the floor, alternately laughing and crying for the next hour and took it as a sign from God Himself to never do such a foolish thing again.
I was still depressed but no longer suicidal. I decided to tough it out and take it like a man. I wanted to meet my new daughter, be with my wife, and continue to live.
Well, it turned out to be a big nothing burger after all that was resolved without much fuss. I have since been in a couple of similarly bad situations, but taking the permanent solution NEVER entered into the equation. But prayer did and based on these situations, the only reason they eventually worked out or became nothing I can only attribute to God hearing and answering my prayers. Chose to believe or not, but I do.
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The following post is actually a comment I left at Mostly Cajun, All American and Opinionated about my US Army basic training Drill Sargents the other day.
My Army basic training Drill Sargent’s at Fort Dix both made such an impression on 18 year old me I remember their names, faces, and voices clearly 42 years later. Sgt. Cupp was white and built like a human fire hydrant. He took no guff but had a quirky sense of humor. One day, we came out of noon chow and began loosely forming up behind our web gear and steel pots. He hollered out “Smoke ’em if you got ’em, and if you don’t then simulate! I began simulating toking on a bone. Sgt. Cupp sees me and come straight over to where I am standing and gives me a sideways stinkeye. “Get on the ground and give me 20, then ask for 20 more!” I drop into the front leaning rest position and knock them out, then ask for 20 more. “Knock ’em out! he says which I do. This repeated until I was at 100 and he told me to recover.
Sgt. Cumberbatch was black, a handsome guy with a great mustache, and he was cut. He was only a little taller than Sgt. Cupp but the guy was super fit. He had a great voice for calling cadence and shouting commands. I didn’t have a whole lot of personal interaction with him. Although I believe it was he that taught us the Claymore. We were all sitting in a classroom as he demonstrates setting one up and explaining the steps as he does. “THIS SIDE TOWARDS ENEMY” was facing us recruits on the front table. He sticks in the blasting cap and starts uncoiling the wires walking backwards away from the Claymore still explaining the steps as he connects the wires to the trigger. Everyone is visibly looking around nervously. “Bye-bye boys!” he yells out and hits the trigger. The blasting cap goes off with a loud pop and everyone jumps and he laughs himself silly. I’m sure that is a gag that was pulled on many recruit classes before and after. Near the end of boot camp, we are out on bivouac. After camp was setup, evening chow was done, and well after dark, a fire was lit and the boombox came out. For the next two hours, Sgt. Cumberbatch oversaw a breakdance party of both black and white participants. I just watched, but it was a heckuva stress reliever for everyone.
Until writing this, I haven’t thought about those guys in years. Thanks for triggering the memories.
The Claymore was obviously a dummy training aid, but the blasting cap and trigger were the real deal. To this day I have a similar type gag I use on fire service newbies. We have to do initial and then annual SCBA mask fitting. This is done using a USB connected device on a dedicated desktop computer. The device then connects to our SCBA mask with a filter assembly and hoses. The person being tested puts on and seals their mask. Then I attach and lock on the filter assembly and start the test program. Whenever I have a first timer, just as I lock the filter onto their mask, I say, "I will give you a wave just before the poison gas comes on" to which I get the dinner plate sized eyes and look of fear. Then I bust out laughing and they breathe a sigh of relief.
The only photo I have of my Drill Sargents is this platoon graduation group photo for Fort Dix A-2-3-2 on May 1, 1981. For those never in the military, A-2-3-2 stood for Alpha Company, 2nd Brigade, 3rd Battalion, 2nd Platoon. Sgt. Cupp on the left, Sgt. Cumberbatch on the right. They are flanked by our squad leaders who were all older and more mature than us 18 year old punks. The squad leader all the way to the right was our platoon PT champion, Pvt. Greggory Heiney. The back of the photos were signed by everyone there. I only remember a handful of faces to go with the names. I am between Mazzarela on the left and Neff on the right. The guy 3 over from me to the right is Edward "Morris the Cat" Morris from Washington state. My family and girlfriend drove down for graduation and he had the hots for my sister. The black guy on the right in the middle of the top row was my friend from Mississippi Carlvet Lee. We were like Forrest Gump and Bubba. He was larger than me and I once carried him just like Forrest carried Bubba for practice for 100 yards. I have a whole story about him and I that took place Memorial Day weekend 1981 and involved me getting fucked on KP. I'll save it for another post.